And when I say bliss, I mean knock your socks off, both kids in bed by 8pm and asleep shortly after that good times a coming bliss. Can you tell I am ecstatic!
It's been five years people. I have shared my bed for 5 years with at least one child. One kicking, hitting, rolling around and pulling the covers off kid. Lots of nights, times two.
Now, in case you were wondering how....I will let you in on my secret......
First....get good and pissed. It will help later in the process.
Next, take the kid that's the worst, and put that one in his/her bed. Tuck them in. Say night night, time for bed. A routine doesn't hurt here either. We do snack/drink, 5 minute warning, bathroom, story then bed.
Now sit. Right next to the bed. At first the child will try to talk to you. Ignore it. This is key and will be your best friend during this process. The power to tune it out. Whatever you do, do not answer. You are there in just body, not mind.
Next, the child will get angry. He/She may scream and cry. Even throw insults out like, "Get out of my room you idiot Mommy!"
Maybe he/she begins to jump up and down in their bed. Throw a pillow at you. Even take a toy gun and toss it at your head. It hurts, but don't show the pain. Grimace inwardly.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. And this is about the time you need to be good and pissed. That bump on your head was actually a blessing in disguise. It helps your stamina. Plus, plugging your ears with your fingers helps.
After the throwing subsides, you will notice the little imp begin to get tired and lay down. Maybe even fetch the blanket and pillow and cover themselves up.
And after a few more minutes, he/she is asleep.
Now, you can leave. Get a glass of wine. Prozac. Whatever helps.
The next night? Do it again. But beware, they are onto you, so you really need to be on your game. The fits get worse on the second night. Don't give in, and believe me, you will want to. 45 minutes of pure screaming will do that to a person. Fingers in your ears works here once again.
By the third night? All will be good in your world. This night I took my book in and sat for maybe 15 minutes. No screaming. No talking. Nothing. Just rolled over and went to sleep.
And each night thereafter was the same. After about a week, I no longer needed to sit. Just tucked in, talked for a couple minutes and off I went.
What's even better? Because you fixed the worst kid first, the other child gets to hear all the screaming. And since it's behind closed doors, they have no idea what the hell is going on. Thus, that child just rolls over and goes to sleep just to avoid whatever they thought happened to the first one.
Genius I tell you.
Timber. Timber. Timber. The puppy who has cost us a fortune. Caused havoc among the household. Those huge feet just teasing us of his eventual size. The puppy nips. Holes in our clothes. That white streak racing across the yard chasing my chickens.
But, I wouldn't change it for the world. I knew, looking into those eyes that first time, that this dog was different. There was something about him, something magical. It's nothing I can explain, but can feel. He is special.
And he proved it. A few times already. But one sticks in my mind, and most likely wil,l for a very long time........
Just like any normal weekday, I was in the shower well before 7am. Both kids joined me in our tiny bathroom along with Timber, who each and every morning, lays beside the bathtub. This morning, Chachi was sitting on the toilet lid and Stink was playing with the magazines. I had just finished rinsing my hair when I glanced out the clear curtain and noticed Stink was standing in the sink. Don't ask me why. He's a strange kid. I quickly yelled out for him to get down. At the same time, Timber scampered up from his spot and began to walk over towards the sink. In slow motion, I watched in horror as Stink fell head first from the sink towards the tile floor. And Timber, brace himself, as Stink wrapped his arms around the dogs neck on his way down and slid around the dog's body landing safely to the floor.
I was in shock.
Stink was in shock.
Timber just resumed his position at the base of the tub.
Without a better word....it was awesome. Any normal dog would have scooted away, the thought of getting crushed under someone too great to withstand. But not Timber. He put himself in harms way without a thought.
He just confirmed what I believed all along. He is special. And worth every penny.
And I didn't even mention the fact that he has alerted me to the sink overflowing and Chachi screaming for me to wipe her butt.
It is here. We have had more egg hunts in the last few weeks than in all Easter's combined.
The very reason why we have some pissed off girls who are now locked in their run.
Finding eggs with a flash light each night got old fast.
Here are just a couple precarious places we have found them........
In a toolbox.....
And better yet......
oops.......on the seat of the Barbie jeep.
I am seriously thinking about leaving out a frying pan.
....where all the people are.
We went to our local mall this Saturday. For the first time in a while. A long while.
If you have ever been to a mall and have seen children running wild, crawling under clothing racks and generally being a nuisance with mohawks....well, that's us. The reason why we avoid it like the plague, or swine flu.
Anyway, we walked into Macy's and were met by a table full of complimentary soft pretzels.
After handing each child, and myself, a pretzel we moved on to accomplish what we went there for. A new suit for Dave, who waited until the last minute to shop, for a wedding we had to attend in less than 3 hours. Seriously. 3 hours.
While munching and walking towards the men's department, once again, we were met by a complimentary table of, this time, cookies. Of course, each kid took a few, and we moved on. Pretzels, cookies, munching onto the men's department, when I noticed that there was no one there. A couple people over there, a few here, but practically no one. It was a ghost town. And offering free food to boot. You would think if nothing else, a few homeless people would be wondering around with tattered shopping bags. But not even that. And we, ourselves, walked out empty-handed. No way was I paying $79.00 for a dress shirt that he was guaranteed to spill his Jack and Coke on. Uh-uh.
Which lead us to Walmart. Not for a dress shirt....I made him wear one he already owned in his closet....but for dog food the next day. You know, priorities people.
And THAT, my friends, is where all the people are. Lines 15 deep. 2 cart's full shoppers. Aisles trashed.
Good ole' Walmart. Where the prices are slashed and you can get anything from frozen chicken nuggets to underware and everything inbetween at the same place. You may have to park half a mile away and trudge through trash to get to it, but once inside it's like the holy land. People without teeth, some dressed to the nines driving Hum-Vees, others wearing their pajamas and curlers. But that's where its at. The people. Who needs mall prices, they chant, as they wait 4 hours to check out. I think I actually saw a relationship go from first date to engagement as they reached the jewelry department from the front door.
Where else does that type of spectacle happen.
The point of the story is? Malls are out, Walmart is way in. Way in, people. And don't worry about not having mall-rats to giggle at.....there is plenty of entertainment available at the hold grail of stores. Believe me. My stomach hurt by the time I left that place today. Plus, if your car breaks down, you are legally allowed to camp in their parking lot. What other place in the world offers that kind of service.
It's Friday night and you find yourself cleaning out the medicine cabinet in the bathroom with lots of enthusiasm.
And during that clean out, you get uber excited to find that body firming lotion you've been missing.
When getting dressed in the morning, you're hard pressed to find something that doesn't have a spaghetti stain.
Or better yet, no clean jeans and your half tempted to just wear the left-over maternity pair with a belt.
You open the sliding door of the mini van and have to hold back leftover snack wrappers from flying out into the parking lot.
Better yet, when you reach across to unbuckle a kid, your shirt becomes glued to the seat by leftover juice spills.
When the windows of the car, or house for that matter, become foggy and you are met by strange drawings and tiny hand prints. Who needs to decorate for Halloween....just blow on the windows and anyone would be scared.
It doesn't gross you out to pick a boogie straight out of a child's nose with your bare fingers. Then look around and wipe it on your pants.
Poop is no longer private. At least three times a day you are called into the bathroom to inspect it and discuss what you think made it green or why it's so large.
Rolling over in the middle of the night and finding a puddle in your bed no longer upsets you. It happens so often you have become an expert at stripping and making the bed in the middle of the night without waking the others still in it.
And yes, I said others. Because "Party like it's 1999" was the last time you slept alone.
You can guide a child to the bathroom, in the middle of the night, lift the seat, and have said child puke directly into the toilet, without a mess, in the complete dark. No lights needed.
And finally, when you can type, read school papers, make dinner, help with homework, give a child a bath, do a load of laundry, cook dinner, drive a child to t-ball practice, help hubby install sheet-rock, work, clean and bathe the dog all at the same freaking time.
You know you're a Mom when........(insert yours here!)
Guess what his most favorite part of all was....
Belle from Beauty and the Beast!
"I just love dat yellow lady, Mommy." he has said over and over again since we've been back.
And Chachi's favorite was Pinnochio!
We all had a blast and really enjoyed ourselves.
They will be in town (Philly) through the weekend, so go check it out.
This message has been Stink approved.
Just some random thoughts of our daily life....
Is it strange that the kids need to wear boots to play in the backyard in order to combat chicken poop. I laugh to myself each and every time I pull into the driveway and chickens meet me at the gate. We did fix the chicken poop problem by locking the girls in their run, much to the kid's relief. Apparently it isn't easy to run in boots and they can also be problematic when going down the sliding board. There has been a time or two where someone goes ass over head from the friction against the board.
Homework....apparently pen is not appreciated in the workbook. If only they would send home a pencil since finding one in this house is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
I think the ghost from Halloween past lives in our house as our decorations have mysteriously disappeared.
Puppy and a screaming little girl does not mix well. She screams, he thinks she is playing, she screams more, he plays more, scream, play, scream, play. And it always ends in someone crying. Which reminds me, we need tissues.
I saved a ton of money at Acme, in case anyone has one close.
It must be almost winter....the bitch of a van is acting up just in time to leave me stranded on the side of a very cold, dark at 5pm road. And for sure my cell will be on the red.
Played the daily number yesterday evening. Had a few singles so threw in 3 scratch offs. Each one was a winner, although the daily number was a dud. Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me right back in.
It's kinda strange to look out into the living room to find the grown adult male sleeping sitting up and the little wee male still playing the video game. Just another ass backwards moment.
It's almost mid-October, and I haven't gotten the kid's Halloween costumes yet. Although if I ask them what they want to be, they both say ghosts. First thought? Oh, $6.00 sheets and a pair of scissors. But my Mommy guilt sets in and I begin to search online for the most elaborate costumes I can find. Am I crazy? Sheets and scissors? I can just picture Chachi at her school parade tripping on her sheet and falling down all wrapped up in the thing. Then I jump to American's Funniest Videos and the possibility of winning 100G's, and the guilt goes away.
I have found myself covering up for the puppy's accidents in the house. Although I don't think Dave believed me when he walked in and I told him it was me who pooped on the floor.
And finally, a household tip....don't BBQ in the dark. You don't notice the chicken burning until you get into the house and charred legs are staring you in the face. I told Dave to put his helmet light on, but something about the neighbors and are you f'in serious. Not sure exactly. I shut the door and couldn't hear the rest.